How to Beat a Cold

I had not yet fully recovered from a serious case of diverticulitis, when that most hated of all maladies, the common cold, came calling.  This happened to be a very virulent bug, and my immune system is in the pits, so I actually was incapacitated by it for several days.  For me, with colds, this is the exception.  I would rather have a tooth pulled than come down with a cold.  So, over the years, I have developed an arsenal of remedies to help me avoid a cold, or experience only very mild symptoms lasting less than the fabled week it normally takes to get over one.  As we get older, getting a cold seems to become more bothersome and even vaguely frightening.  It could “take hold.”  There’s a very real chance of feeling lousy for a month or longer.  I’d like to share with you some of the things I do to keep the dreaded rhino virus at bay.  Standard to say:  I am not an M.D., there is no known cure for the cold, and these suggestions are meant to help you stay more comfortable, if they do work as well for you as they have for me.  I also don’t mean to promote any given product.  I am passing on information and ideas, as friends do.

The best thing to do for a cold, obviously, is not get one.  There are some things you can do about this.  Two of them I learned from a former boyfriend:  Be rude and obsessive.  It may seem quite rude to tell someone not to bother coming over for a visit, but if your friend has a cold, it may be the best thing to do.  The problem is, people are most contagious just before they know for sure they do have a cold.  You know, it’s during that “Is this a cold or an allergy?” period. Or you might never even see the person who has the cold.  The germs are on the ATM machine or grocery cart handle.  This calls for is the obsessive part.  Especially during cold season, keep washing your hands.  Germs are not so likely to fly through the air and land in your mouth.  More likely, you get the germs on your hands and transfer them to your own nose, mouth, or eyes.  There has been a lot of publicity about this lately, so no more need be said.

As significant as the spread of germs may be, it also seems true that if I am happy, unstressed, and at the peak of health;  someone with a cold can sneeze in my face and I won’t get sick.  Some people “never get sick” and others catch everything that goes around.  This is the mysterious factor of the immune system.  Some people just have good genes, immune-wise, and others don’t; but there are also a lot of things you can do to boost your immune system, both on a regular basis and as needed.  If your diet includes more than five servings of fresh, organic fruits and vegetables per day and no sugar, alcohol, processed or junk food (unlike mine), you may not need to do anything else to boost the immune system.  The rest of us need at least a multi-vitamin.  Most people also need extra Vitamin D and Vitamin C, especially during cold season.  In years past, I have also taken Astragalus supplements during cold season, and it seems to have helped.  You can also take Astragalus daily, starting when you think you have been exposed to a cold, as I did this time.

I was introduced to Airborne by a relative who is a school teacher.  There are also other, less widely distributed, preparations meant to give a jolt to the immune system.  You can get them at a health food or vitamin store.  Airborne is widely available.  It may not be the best, but it has been working for me.  It has vitamins and minerals as well as a few herbal ingredients.  You can take it as soon as you think you’ve been exposed to a cold.  I’ve remembered to do that on several occasions, and didn’t get a cold those times.  Or, you can take it when you start to get a cold, and if the immune gods are with you, you may be able to beat the cold.  I always take Astragalus, Goldenseal, and Echinacea along with it.  Then I gargle with salt water, clean out my nose with a slightly less saline solution, and go to bed.  Often, I wake up without a cold.  That’s what I call “beating” a cold.

It doesn’t always work.  It does work often enough that others have taken note.  ”What happened to that cold you said you were getting?”

Well, I didn’t get it.  But sometimes I do.  It’s still possible to have milder symptoms and a shorter period of illness by continuing the same regimen.  If the nose starts to run and I start sneezing, I wash out my nose (There is a proper way to do this, with a neti pot, but I just snuffle up some slightly salty water from my hand and blow it out again, on each side) and gargle with salt water twice a day.  I drink Airborne two or three times a day.  I take Astragalus once a day, and Vitamin C, Goldenseal, and Echinacea three times a day.  As a last resort, I put diluted hydrogen peroxide in my ears.  A friend told me about this and I swear, I’ve had cold symptoms disappear as soon as I do it.  There are a number of herbal teas that bring relief to cold symptoms as well.  My favorite is called “Gypsy Cold Care.”  Put a lot of honey in it and you’ll feel just fine.

How to Use a Dating Service

I was talking with someone who reads my posts.  She is married, and in no need of a dating service. Lucky her!  However, some of her friends are dating.  As we spoke, it became clear that while my last post, “The Dating Game,” gave people a sympathetic experience to relate to, it didn’t offer much practical help.  I started to give her a few pointers that I had already passed on to a couple of friends, when I realized that this information would be useful to more than a few people.  My advice is mainly oriented to the woman’s point of view.  Guys also might find some of the information helpful.  Some of the content could work for the gay and lesbian dating scene, as well.  I know that dating services do serve the gay community.  So, gals, here goes.  Take a deep breath.

Women, you have to recognize that in our age group, there are many more single women than single men.  There have been more women than men in our cohort all along, since the Vietnam war.  As we get older, the ratio of women to men increases, due to the difference in longevity between the sexes.  This means that in the dating world, we are the job seekers and men are the employers.  You know how in today’s job market, there are over a hundred applications for each advertised job opening? You can’t just stand around waiting for the job to find you.  It is the same in dating.  Many of us have been taught that it is the man’s role to seek out women.  There are undoubtedly strong cultural and biological reasons for this, but we have to counteract the impulse to just wait, to a certain extent.  Not too much, because men have the same programming, and want to maintain a semblance of leadership in the mating game.  It gets tricky.

If you do use an online service, how you look and what you say is very important, just like in life. This is equally true for men, by the way:  I have simply clicked past and disregarded many potential dates because they didn’t have a photo or say enough in their profile.  Put your best foot forward.  Several photos are better than one.  You probably want both a head shot and a full body shot, unless you can’t get one or the other to come out flattering.  There is nothing wrong with photos that aren’t you, but show things that you like. I learned this from the men on the service I’m using.  Some are great photographers and have wonderful landscape pictures, others have snapshots of pets or prized possessions. It’s like a little photo essay that tells a lot about you.

When you write your profile, try to think about things that make you stand out.  How are you different?  Everyone likes candlelit dinners and walks on the beach.  Think about what you really like, even if not everyone might think it’s special.  It’s special to you.  Do you do needlepoint? Do you especially like old monster movies? Fishing trips? Tell about it.  Why do you like it?  Do you particularly like fresh brook trout for breakfast or is it more about spending the whole day in nature? What’s your idea of a great first date?  Oh, going to dinner.  How original!  Of course, that might be what you do, but what would you want to have happen?  Would you laugh at each other’s jokes, discuss Elizabethan love sonnets, or compare lives?

Usually, the service invites you to say what you are looking for in a relationship or in a partner. Think about your values.  What is important to you?  Honesty, financial stability, social activism, romance, travel?  My sense of this question is that you want to make sure to mention the things that are absolute deal breakers for you and then leave it kind of general.  People will self-select away from you if they don’t recognize themselves in your description. I know I do, when I read men’s profiles.  Think about the quality you are describing and whether or not it’s really important to you.  For example, you may write that you want to meet someone “adventurous,” and you are thinking about being willing to try a new sushi place, but a very nice man may avoid you because he’s been thinking about sky diving but hasn’t worked up the courage.

OK, women, now here’s the hard part.  Once you have enrolled and posted your profile, you might have to take some initiative.  You may get some response from men, but not necessarily the ones you want to meet.  I, for example, have no interest in a long-distance romance, and have to politely refuse offers that come from across the country.  To find men in my area, I had to use the search function and put in some criteria.  I selected an age range, a distance I was willing to travel, and non-smoker. Then. start looking at the pictures and profiles the service provides for you.  Don’t be disappointed if you don’t find much at first.  You really have to stick with it, just like selling cosmetics or looking for a job.  If you haven’t dated for a while, it may be a good idea to go out on a date or two, even with someone you think you probably wouldn’t be interested in, just for the practice.  A friend of mine said she did this, and I think it’s a super idea.  Think of it as a lark and a free cup of coffee!

You have to expect that you will often make the first contact, in the form of a written message through the service.  Don’t just pick one guy and write a long letter to him and then sit waiting for him to write back!  You don’t know enough about these people to be that selective.  Write to as many fellows as you can find that meet your criteria.  Say something nice about them, a little bit about yourself, maybe something that isn’t in your profile, and ask a friendly, curious question.  Is that an antique desk in your photo?  What kind of fishing do you like? Are your dogs both Pomeranians?  This invites a reply.  The person to whom you are writing will look at your picture and read your profile, and if he is interested, he’ll write back.  Gentlemen write back, politely but firmly, even if they are not interested.  You will do this, too.

Now.  Here’s the tricky part.  You write to him once.  You do not write to him again until and unless he writes to you.  The ball is in his court.  It is exactly like a game of tennis.  You return the ball promptly when it’s in your court, then it’s his turn.  Then your turn.  Keep doing this until someone, probably the man, suggests a meeting.  Say yes!  You aren’t doing this to brush up your writing skills! It’s fine for you to suggest a time and place.  Do not give your phone number, email address, or street address before you have met this dude in person.  This common-sense rule works for men as well. Scam artists come in all ages and genders, sadly.  This having been said, at some point you have to trust your gut feelings about a person.  The first meeting should not be a big-deal date.  Meeting for a drink or a cup of coffee is a good idea.  That way, if you are uncomfortable, you can get away rather soon, and if you’re having a good time, you can extend it.  Better yet, make a second date.

Good luck to you!  Let me know how it goes.  Next:  How to Go on a Date

The Dating Game

A couple of months ago, I signed up for an online dating service.  I don’t know what possessed me to ruin a perfectly good life that way.  Well, I do know.  A friend talked me into it.  That’s what they all say, isn’t it?  I was having a great summer – travel to Brazil and Seattle, afternoons spent by or in the swimming pool, tan and blond (an effort to go gray run amok) and feeling invincible.  We were three of us in the pool, and the older of us was telling the other two we’d better get out there and meet people while there’s still time.  Pretty dire.  ”Meet people” is a Boomerism, and those weren’t her exact words.  I don’t think she said “catch a man,” but it’s what she meant.  Now or never.  Get going, girls, on the count…one…two…tackle!  Oh, please.

None the less, as I said, I was invincible in those now-past warm months.  I usually do take a dare.  That sounds wild, try again:  I respond to a challenge with a willingness to take risks. I signed up. I chose a service specifically for older people.  The first few times I logged on to the site were discouraging.  Everyone looked so old!  The men seemed to fall into one of two categories: monosyllabic every-day Joes with their ball caps and fishing gear, and the New Age Mr. Perfects, always looking for Ms. Even-More-Perfect.  Narcissus ready to attack Echo for her lack of self-esteem, and imperfect mirroring. Not to mention chipped nails. I knew they wouldn’t even answer my emails.  As for the regular guys, well, I might have to suck it up.

Dear readers, I would like to say that I am doing this for you, but that wouldn’t be the case.  I know you want to know what dating is like after fifty or sixty years of age, after years in a relationship and out of the dating scene.  I know that I have to write about this sooner or later, and I will need some experience.  Seriously, before this I was thinking I’d interview friends for my material.  I am not back out on the dating scene for Boomerage.  I am doing it for me.  Although my last relationship must be chalked up as a total failure, there are elements that I miss:  Someone to share feelings with, to tell the day’s events to a sympathetic ear; someone to laugh with.  Daily hugs.  Dancing at midnight in the kitchen.  I have friends, near and far, mostly women.  Just when I’m feeling alone, the phone rings, and there is one of my friends, eager to know the latest events in my life and wanting to share her experiences.  I get to know that I’m not alone, but it ain’t the same as having a partner at home..  No way, no how.

I finally got some emails from men in my area who weren’t so damn special and weren’t bozos either.  What do you know? I thought to myself, maybe this is OK after all.  I went out on some dates.  I got a hand-shake, followed by more e-mails.  I got a kiss, followed by more dates.  Lord’a mercy, it was working!  I can report first hand on dating after sixty.  My life is getting interesting.

First, let me say, this is something I didn’t envision for myself.  I thought that by this age I would be in a lasting relationship.  I’m willing to bet that other singles my age and older had the same expectations.  Men and women alike, straight and gay, want a secure situation for their old age:  The hug and sympathetic gaze to come home to.  We don’t really want to get dressed up and go out all that often.  It’s too much trouble.  If we were in a long-term relationship, we could mumble complaints to our partner, remind each other to take a nap that afternoon, have someone’s help to knot the tie or zip the dress.  When we are dating, we have to do this more frequently and we are on our own.  Is that tie straight?  Is the dress too tight?  Is what we want to show, showing; and what we want to hide, hidden?

Wardrobe concerns are just the tip of the iceberg.  I have to tell you, dear readers, that dating post sixty is no different from dating at any age.  If anything, it is a bit more nerve-wracking.  The stakes are a bit higher.  More than ever, we want a stable relationship.  The biological clock for pregnancy is one thing.  This is the big biological clock.  We are more vulnerable.  More than ever, we fear a mistake.  We could be abused financially.  A wrong relationship could take us just beyond the age at which we seem datable and attractive.  If we become ill, the person we’re with could fade out or become abusive.  These concerns may not be conscious, but they loom in the background, making the usual dating angst bigger and darker.

You may remember the drill:  Will he call?  What if he doesn’t?  What if he does?  What should I say? If I’m too distant, will he give up?  If I’m too forward and affectionate will I push him away?  Why did she say that?  Does she think I’m stupid?  Is she manipulating me? And so on.  I get nervous before a date, depressed afterwards.  For someone who was on a very peaceful, even keel it’s like buying a ticket for an extended roller-coaster ride.  I’m just not getting the “whee!” part yet.  I am in the white knuckles stage.  Perhaps, after a couple of times around the loop, when I’m more relaxed.  On the other hand, I am getting an opportunity to see into some of my deepest hurt places.  In my world, this is a good thing.  I can process and resolve them.

Dating should be fun.  When I was in high school, I remember it was lots of fun.  People in their twenties seem to enjoy dating.  As mentioned, the biological clock appears to up the ante and increase dating angst for many women in their thirties, while guys are still cruisin’.  This sets up a discrepancy that men apparently continue to carry in their cellular memory – the desperate woman, trying to catch any man at any cost.  A very skewed picture, far from reality, but I think it’s in the mix.

For me, I went through a divorce and was unexpectedly on the dating scene once before, in my early fifties.  My experience then was very different from my present experience.  I took it extremely lightly and had a ball!  My thinking was that the main mistake people make in dating is to take it too seriously and fail to have a good time.  I was not goal-oriented.  I was just out of a marriage.  I was in no hurry to do it again. I went out with men I met through a dating service, old friends, people I happened to meet socially.  They say fifty is the new thirty, and, physically, I felt much the same as I did at thirty.  I had already raised a family.  No clock was ticking for me.  Perhaps I was not serious enough, because I ended up in a dead-end relationship.  On the other hand, I might have landed there anyway.  At least I had fun.

Upcoming Posts

Sorry, I have been slow to add posts here. I hope the wait doesn’t disappoint. I am planning to write at least one article, if not a series, on dating after sixty.

Outta’ the Way, Gramps

Our culture has been youth-oriented since at least the turn of the last century.  There are many reasons for this.  At the turn of the nineteen hundreds, it was still a relatively new country.  Youth and energy were needed to settle a big country, build roads, canals, railroads, telegraph and telephone lines, dams and skyscrapers.  Old, traditional ways, associated with the “old country” in Europe, were being scrapped and new manners and mores invented. We streamlined convention and approached things directly, adopting a manner that is still associated with Americans in business and diplomatic circles.  We had the cocky self-assurance of young people who really don’t know what stumbling blocks may lie ahead.

Wisdom, on the other hand, is associated with aging.  Wisdom profits from our own mistakes as well as the mistakes of others, and has the humility to admit to being wrong.  As a nation, we are aging, but our value system hasn’t shifted from a love of what is new, fast, and clever to an appreciation of the wisdom and inner peace that is traditionally associated with age.  We baby boomers are quickly swelling the ranks of the over-sixty population, but rather than using our numbers to insist on dignity and respect for elders, we try to pretend we are still young.  We dye our hair, we don’t ask for discounts at the movie theater, we want to be called something other than “grandpa” or “grandma” by our kids’ children.  We like being told we look younger than our age.  We don’t like being called “old.”

I admit I participate in this.  When someone tells me I look younger than my sixty-five years, I beam and say “Thank you,” instead of taking the braver and more mature stance in paraphrase of Gloria Steinem, “This is what sixty-five looks like!”  Although I’m supposedly on the path to “go gray,”  I still see the hair colorist every few months.  When someone tells me I’m not old, I don’t argue much.  In my private thoughts, I think, “I am much younger-minded than others my age,”  and so on.  Of course, keeping the mind and body functioning on a par with a younger age is a worthy, life-enhancing goal.  Considering all things young more desirable than the wisdom and perspective that has been gleaned over a lifetime is not.

In the workplace, younger people may be faster and have sharper memories.  They also have a handle on the contemporary popular culture, since we idolize youth and encourage young people to take the lead in determining what is “of the moment.”  As throughout the twentieth century, technology plays a part in perpetuating the value of youth over older age:  Young people have, at each generation – not of humans, but of computers – a better handle on the state of the art.  This perpetuates both the youth culture and the hiring practices of the work place.  What is lost is the value of the human skills that it takes a lifetime to learn.

Young people fall in love, but it takes a lifetime  really to learn to love.  Tolerance for others, patience, perspective and other human values invaluable to the work place take many years to develop within us.  Younger people may grasp and incorporate the corporate culture, it takes wisdom to truly think in terms of “we.”  The same can be said of the political arena.  Politicians and corporate types may well be over forty, but the competitive values of our youth oriented culture are the values they reflect.  In fact, as a nation, we are growing older.  Isn’t it time we grew up?

“Outta’ the Way, Gramps”

America has had a youth culture since the Jazz Age. What does this bias do to the self-perception of our aging population? This will be my next post, in this space soon.

Travel

Retired people travel.  Maybe we don’t know what else to do, maybe we are completing our bucket lists.  It’s certainly easier to travel if you don’t have to tote the kids.  Some just follow the sun – the warmth feels good on tired bones.  You don’t have to hurry back and show up at the office.  Whatever the reason, a lot of the tourists you’ll meet will be middle-aged or better.

This summer, I’ve taken two trips, so far.  I went to Brazil in June, and last week I took my granddaughter with me by train to Seattle.  Of course, to get to Brazil, I had to fly.  In my book, the train compared favorably.  We had a sleeping car, so I could actually lie down to sleep.  What a concept!  The leg room was better and the view was better.  The food was a lot better.  You could get up and walk around.  Both trips were just short of twenty-two hours (There were two plane changes en route to Brazil).  The plane trip was sheer torture.  It’s been quite a few years since my last long flight.  In the meanwhile, I have gotten older and airplane seats have gotten smaller, with less leg room.  Not a good combination.  I’ve always been a budget, adventure traveller.  I think the next, long trip will have to be something better than coach.

In Brazil, we went to out-of-the-way places and stayed in small pousadas.  That’s where I wanted to go and those were the accommodations available.  The beds were slightly less comfortable than the one in the train’s sleeping car.  I think this bothered my younger companions, in each case, more than me.  However, I definitely had more difficulty while in the air than my companion.  I was unable to get comfortable to sleep, and at times, even to sit.  The meals, which were not great (you know airplane food!), sat like a rock in my stomach.  There wasn’t enough room, apparently, for it to travel into my intestines.  The after dinner walk had to wait until the stewards were through serving, and then it was short, just the length of the plane.  After twenty or so hours of this, when we finally landed in Brasilia, I was a real mess.  I had the worst jet lag and motion sickness I’ve ever experienced.  I had planned for a recovery day.  It took me two days to recover.  After that my trip was all it should be: joyful, pleasant, and exciting.

My young traveling companion on the train, who was only eight years old, found the train trip rather a bore.  She liked the dining car and having our own little room, but she was much less enamored of the observation car than I was.  I could have spent quite a bit of time there, watching the scenery, but of course that was not enough for her.  We played quite a bit of “Go Fish.”  We took pictures out the train window.  Many of the better photos were taken by her.  She watched movies on my laptop, while I looked out the window.  I could have done so for hours.  The Coast Starlight is one of the most beautiful train routes in the country.  Even in our tiny sleeping car, I had more leg room than in any airplane.  I look forward to my next train trip, which could be solo.